My Mail Pages

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Real Resume And Cover Letter



These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms."

3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail."

15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Libya Strange Facts

*Did you know this about Libya?*

Some other facts (that mainstream media will never disclose) about Gaddafi and Libya

- Loans to Libyan citizens are given with NO interest.

- Students would get paid the average salary for the profession they are studying for.

- If you are unable to get employment the state would pay the full salary as if you were employed until you find employment.

- When you get married the couple gets an apartment or house for free from the Government.

- You could go to college anywhere in the world. The state pays 2,500 euros plus accommodation and car allowance.

- The cars are sold at factory cost.

- *Libya does not owe money, (not a cent) to anyone. No creditors.

- Free education and health care for all citizens.

- 25% of the population with a university degree.

- No beggars on the streets and nobody is homeless (until the recent bombing).

- Bread costs only $0.15 per loaf.

No wonder the US and other capitalist countries do not like Libya. Gaddafi would not consent to taking loans from IMF or World Bank at high interest rates. In other words Libya was INDEPENDENT! That is the real reason for the war in Libya! He may be a dictator, but that is not the US problem. Also Gaddafi called on all Oil producing countries NOT to accept payment for oil in USD or Euros. He recommended that oil get paid for in GOLD and that would have bankrupted just about every Western Country as most of them do not have gold reserves to match the rate at which they print their useless currencies.

Remember the last time someone had the “NERVE” to make a similar statement was when Saddam Hoosein advised all Opec countries not to accept payment for oil in US Dollars. Well, we all know what happened to him . Yes, they HUNG HIM.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Gandhi's glasses missing from Wardha ashram



Wardha (Maharashtra), June 13 (IANS) Mahatma Gandhi's spectacles have been missing from the Sevagram Ashram in Wardha since November, officials revealed Monday.
Ashram president M.M. Gadkari said its employees were asked to keep silent about the missing glasses.
'We had made a list of the belongings of Gandhiji that were placed in the hut where he used to stay,' Gadkari told IANS.
'Somehow, the glasses were not included in the list. Those who cleaned the hut took a few days to realise that the glasses are missing,' he added.
The ashram authorities are yet to register a police complaint. 'We have not received any theft or missing complaint,' Wardha Deputy Superintendent of Police M.G. Nale told IANS.
When questioned on why a complaint was not registered, Gadkari said that the board of trustees will meet and decide on further action.
'Gandhiji's other belongings are, however, intact,' Gadkari said.
Mahatma Gandhi came to Wardha, 75 km from Nagpur, in 1936 and settled at the ashram, which receives around 300,000 visitors every year.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

WikiLeaks Hits of 2011


5 WikiLeaks Hits of 2011 That Are Turning the World on Its Head --

And That the Media Are Ignoring




By Rania Khalek, AlterNet
Posted on June 7, 2011, Printed on June 11, 2011
Between Collateral Murder, the Iraq War Logs, the Afghan War Diary, and Cablegate, it appeared as though 2010 would go down in history as the most shocking year in WikiLeaks revelations. Americans discovered that trigger-happy soldiers who have been trained to kill are likely to shoot innocent civilians, including journalists and children. They learned that the US military handed over detainees they knew would be tortured to the Iraqis, and as a matter of policy, failed to investigate the hundreds of reported torture and abuse by Iraqi police and military. The Afghanistan logs showed many more civilians killed than previously known, along with once-secret US assassination missions against insurgents. And Cablegate shed light on a US foreign policy that values self-interest over democracy and human rights at all costs, perpetuating anti-American sentiment in the process.
Is 2011 capable of exceeding 2010's revelations? And what discoveries in 2011 has WikiLeaks unearthed thus far?
1) The Arab Spring: Information is power. In January of this year, the north African country of Tunisia captured the world's attention, as a relentless and inspiring democratic uprising managed to 
overthrow the autocratic President Zine al-Abidine Ben Ali in just a matter of weeks. Protests were initially sparked by food price inflation and staggering unemployment, as demonstrated by the self-immolation of a disillusioned young man named Mohamed Bouazizi.But we should never underestimate the power of information when it comes to stirring things up. The role of the WikiLeaks Embassy cables, which revealed the US government's view of the president and his ruling circle as 
deeply corrupt, cannot be overlooked.
Of course, Tunisians were well aware of their government’s corruption long before Cablegate. However, the Tunisian government felt threatened enough by the leaks to 
block access to the Lebanese news Web site Al-Akhbar after it published U.S. cables depicting Ben Ali and his government in an unflattering light. They went on to block not just WikiLeaks, but any news source publishing or referencing leaked cables that originated or referenced Tunisia. Their repressive reaction to the leaks pushed protesters over the brink, as it epitomized the country's utter lack of freedom of expression.
And if there's anything the hacktivists at Anonymous hate, it's censorship, which is why they 
retaliated by shutting down key Web sites of the Tunisian government, an effort they dubbed "OpTunisia."
The Tunisians were the first people in the Arab world to take to the streets and oust a leader for a generation. There is no denying that WikiLeaks acted as a catalyst in that effort, supplying more fuel to a fire that eventually toppled a regime. This helped inspire the revolt in Egypt and beyond, as uprisings against brutally repressive regimes extended to Bahrain, Syria, Yemen, and Libya. As the protests spread, WikiLeaks cleverly released key cables revealing government abuse and corruption in those nations, which intensified the protesters' demand for democracy.

Amnesty International recently drew a link between the protests in the Arab world and the release by WikiLeaks of thousands of secret U.S. diplomatic documents. In fact, the United Nations recently 
declared Internet access a basic human right in a report that cites WikiLeaks and the Arab Spring as driving factors.
2) The 'worst of the worst' included children, the elderly, the mentally ill, and journalists. In April of this year, WikiLeaks released the 
Guantanamo Files, which included classified documents on more than 700 past and present Guantanamo detainees. These files paint a stunning picture of an oppressive detention system riddled with incoherence and cruelty at every stage.
They shed new light on the persecution of Al Jazeera cameraman
Sami al-Hajj, who was caged at the camp for more than six years and then abruptly released without ever being charged. His crime was working for Al Jazeera. It was also revealed that almost 100 of the inmates sent to Guantanamo were listed by their captors as having had 
depressive or psychotic illnesses. Many went on hunger strikes or attempted suicide. Officials in charge also found it appropriate to 
detain children and old men, including an 89-year-old Afghan villager suffering from senile dementia, and a 14-year-old boy who had been an innocent kidnap victim.
Authorities heavily used 
unreliable evidence obtained from a small number of detainees under torture to justify due-process free detentions. They continued to maintain this testimony was reliable even after admitting that the prisoners who provided it had been mistreated. Despite President Obama's promise to close it, the shameful, legal black hole that is Guantanamo is still open for business: 172 detainees remain imprisoned at Guantanamo, about 50 of whom are being subjected to 
indefinite detention.
The documents expose the complicity of senior Pakistani officials in US drone strikes that have maimed and killed hundreds of innocent civilians, including children. A cable 
from late 2009 reveals Pakistani officials actively encouraging the bombing missions.
Despite longstanding denials, the documents disclose that the US has been conducting special ops inside Pakistan and taking part in joint operations with the 
Pakistanis since 2009.
The most disturbing, though not surprising, reports show that the Saudis, our supposed allies, are among the leading funders of international terrorism. It appears Saudi Arabia and the UAE have been financing jihadist groups in Pakistan for years. A cable written in 2008 by Bryan Hunt of the U.S. consulate in Lahore, Pakistan, 
reads: “financial support estimated at nearly 100 million USD annually was making its way to Deobandi and Ahl-i-Hadith clerics in south Punjab from organisations in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates ostensibly with the direct support of those governments.”

Hunt outlines the process of recruitment for militancy, describing how “families with multiple children” and “severe financial difficulties” were exploited for recruitment purposes. The cable details the recruitment of children, who are given age-specific indoctrination and would eventually be trained according to the madrassah teachers’ assessment of their inclination “to engage in violence and acceptance of jihadi culture” versus their value as promoters of Deobandi or Ahl-i-Hadith sects or recruiters.
Therefore, the US government, well aware for years of Saudi Arabia's disgusting exploitation of children, has remained a steadfast ally of the world's biggest financier of terrorism.
4) World leaders are practically lighting a fire under the Arctic. As Secretary of State Hilary Clinton met with the 
Arctic Council last month to discuss oil exploration, WikiLeaks, with impeccable timing, published a new trove of cables highlighting a race to carve up the Arctic for resource exploitation. Nations battling to poison the arctic with oil drilling 
include Canada, the US, Russia, Norway, Denmark, and perhaps even China, which all have competing claims to the Arctic.
The leaks illustrate a frightening reality, where world leaders are greedily awaiting the opportunity to exploit the oil and natural gas that lie beneath the melting Arctic ice, even arming themselves for possible resource wars. A least that's what the Russian Ambassador Dmitry Rogozin hinted in a 2010 cable that reads, "The twenty-first century will see a fight for resources. Russia Should not be defeated in this fight."
A 2009 cable suggests US paranoia about Russia: "Behind Russia's policy are two potential benefits accruing from global warming, the prospect for an [even seasonally] ice-free shipping route from Europe to Asia, and the estimated oil and gas wealth hidden beneath the Arctic sea floor." Russian Navy head Admiral Vladimir Vysotsky is quoted in a 2008 cable as saying, "While in the Arctic there is peace and stability, however, one cannot exclude that in the future there will be a redistribution of power, up to armed intervention."

“These latest Wikileaks revelations expose something profoundly concerning. Instead of seeing the melting of the Arctic ice cap as a spur to action on climate change, the leaders of the Arctic nations are instead investing in military hardware to fight for the oil beneath it. They’re preparing to fight to extract the very fossil fuels that caused the melting in the first place. It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.”
5) Washington would let them starve to protect US corporate interests. 
The Nation has teamed up with the Haitian weekly newspaper 
Haiti Liberté, to analyze some 2,000 Haiti-related diplomatic cables obtained by WikiLeaks. The cables will be featured in a series of Nation articles posted each Wednesday for several weeks. The first in the series, "
PetroCaribe Files," reveals, among other things, how the United State, with pressure from Exxon and Chevron, tried to interfere with an oil agreement between Haiti and Venezuela that would save Haiti, the poorest country in the Western hemisphere, $100 million per year or 10 percent of the country's budget.
The second piece, set to publish this week, "
Let Them Live on $3/Day," reveals Washington's willingness to keep Haitian sweatshop wages at near slave labor levels to save American corporations a few bucks. US clothing makers with factories in Haiti, such as Hanes and Levi Strauss, were infuriated after the Haitian government raised the minimum wage from a puny slave wage of 24 cents an hour, to a slightly less puny slave wage of 61 cents an hour.
In a clear symbol of who it serves, the US State Department stepped in to exert pressure on Haiti’s president, who duly carved out a $3 a day minimum wage for textile companies. But, according to theNation's expose, that was still too much: "Still the US Embassy wasn’t pleased. A deputy chief of mission, David E. Lindwall, said the $5 per day minimum “did not take economic reality into account” but was a populist measure aimed at appealing to “the unemployed and underpaid masses.”

To understand the barbarity of this behavior, consider that a Haitian family of three (two kids) needed $12.50 a day in 2008 to make ends meet.
These revelations are not the only leaks of 2011, just those I have chosen to highlight. WikiLeaks continues to leaks cables all over the globe. Although they have received little attention in the US press, leaks in countries like 
Peru Ireland Malaysia, and El Salvador are generating headlines, controversy and debate. Perhaps what we have seen from WikiLeaks is just the tip of the iceberg.

Monday, June 13, 2011

10 Rules for a Happy Marriage



If Bollywood Film star work for call centers........ Imagine the calls - I


Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain...


Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.






DharmendraThank you for calliiiiingg..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendramain aaraahoon maa.......
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna



Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!


Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer:
 I lost my invoice 
Asrani :
 Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye.... 
Customer:
 hi
Kestu Mukherji :
 iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai 
Customer : 
I have not received my product 
Kestu Mukherji :
 To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha... 

Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.








Friday, June 10, 2011

Three Strange Brothers


They make an unlikely trio, but Baloo the bear, Leo the lion and Shere Khan the tiger
have forged an unusually strong bond.
Considering that they would be mortal enemies if they ever were to meet in the wild,
it is stunning to see their unique and genuine friendship in these intimate pictures.
Rescued eight years ago during a police drugs raid in Atlanta , Georgia , the three friends
were only cubs at the time at barely two months old.
They had been kept as status symbol pets by the drug barons.

Delivered to the Noah's Ark Animal Rescue Centre in Locust Grove , Georgia , the decision was made
to keep the youngsters together, because of their budding rapport.

'We could have separated them, but since they came as a kind of family, the zoo decided
to keep them together,' said Diane Smith, assistant director of Noah's Ark. 

'To our knowledge, this is the only place where you'll find this combination of animals together.'

Living with the zoo's founders for the past eight years, Shere Khan, Baloo and Leo have now moved
to a purpose-built habitat where the US public can now witness first hand their touching relationships.
'We didn't have the money to move them at first,' said Diane.

'Now their habitat is sorted and they have been moved away from the children's zoo areas
where the public couldn't really get a good look.

'It is possible to see Baloo, who is a 1000lb bear, Shere Khan, a 350lb tiger and Leo, who is also 350lbs,
messing around like brothers.

'They are totally oblivious to the fact that in any other circumstance they would not be friends.' 

Handled by Charles and Jama Hedgecoth, the zoo's owners and founders,
the three friendly giants appear to have no comprehension of their animal differences.

'Baloo and Shere Khan are very close,' says Diane.


'That is because they rise early, and as Leo is a lion, he likes to spend most of the day sleeping.

'It is wonderful and magical to see a giant American Black Bear put his arm around a Bengal
and then to see the tiger nuzzle up to the bear like a domestic cat.

'When Leo wakes up the three of them mess around for most of the day before they settle down to some food.' 



Surprisingly for three apex predators with the power to kill with a single bite or swipe of their paw,
they are very relaxed around each other.

'They eat, sleep and play together,' said Jama.

'As they treat each other as siblings they will lie on top of each other for heat and simply for affection.

'At the moment they are getting used to their new habitat.

'Shere Khan is being quite reticent about the move, but Baloo, the bear, is very good at leading him on
and making him feel comfortable and safe.' 

Explaining that the three 'brothers' have always seemed to share a unique bond,
Charles said: 'Noah's Ark is their home and they could not possibly be separated from each other.

'You just have to remember who you're dealing with when you are with them, though.

'It's when you forget that these fellows are wild animals that you get yourself in trouble.' 

The trio's new habitat had to be constructed carefully, in order to accommodate its occupants.

Jama said: 'The clubhouse had to be very sturdy for the guys, because they all sleep in it together,' 

She added: 'We had to include a creek, because the tiger and the bear both like to be in water.'


Friday, May 6, 2011

Famous Lookalikes

Ginnifer Goodwin and Jennifer Morrison

Amanda Seyfried and Gemma Ward

Benicio del Toro and Brad Pitt

Amanda Seyfried and Gemma Ward

Carrie-Anne Moss and Lisa Edelstein

Carver Brothers and Matt Damon

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Killer English



Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "

************ ********* ***

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"

************ ********* ***

once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America.."

************ ********* ***

"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."

************ ********* ***

don't. laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....

************ ********* ***

it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said

" why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

************ ********* ***

teacher in a furious mood...

write down ur name and father of ur name!!

************ ********* ***

"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"

************ ********* ***

My manager started like this

"Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids"

************ ********* ***

"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board

************ ********* ***

"will u hang that calendar or else I'll HANG MYSELF"

************ ********* ***

LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"

************ ********* ***

Chemistry HOD comes and tells us...

"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

************ ********* ***

Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father

************ ********* ***

"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"

************ ********* ***

Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

"I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

************ ********* ***

Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

"Keep quiet, the principal has passed away"

************ ********* ***

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Is English easy?



1. A bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full, it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present his present.
8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
11. There was a row amongst the oarsman about how to row.
12. They were too close to the door to close it.
13. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
14. A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer.
15. To help with the planting a farmer taught his sow to sow.
16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
17. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
18. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
19. How can I intimate this to my intimate friend ?

Let’s face it. English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Mincemeat is sweet and doesn’t contain any meat at all.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham ?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth ? If on your foot your wear a boot, then on your feet you should wear beet. One goose, 2 geese. So, one mouse, 2 meese ? One mouse, 2 mice so one house, 2 hice ? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend ? You can be disgruntled but not gruntled ? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it ?

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught ? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat ? If I drink and get drunk, can I think what I thunk ?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital ? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship ?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, whilst a wise man and a wise guy are opposites ? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out they are visible but when the lights are out they are invisible.

There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word, and that is “UP”. It is easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does the topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP the report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning … people stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost ¼ of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways in which UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and one but I will wrap this UP for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP.

PS. Why doesn’t “Buick “rhyme with “quick” ?